Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
