remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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