Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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