its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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