my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
