So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
