I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
