This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
