Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
