he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I fill condoms, not promises.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
