Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
She needs sedatives and a leash
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
