I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
