OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Someone came in the potted fern
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
