Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
