He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
