dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
