My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
ttyl tear gas
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
