I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
