Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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