my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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