I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
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