What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
