I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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