it was like his penis was on wheels.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
