I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
