I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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