I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Never joke about your clitoris.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
