last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
