i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
