He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Randomize
