How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
