i just wanna soil my oats bro
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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