She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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