sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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