Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
