I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
