First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
