I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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