No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
