Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
