Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
