the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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