Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
