The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
