I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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