yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
