Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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