i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
