I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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