what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
