So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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